It was 2am and pouring with rain. I was at an outdoor music festival waiting for my partner to begin his DJ set. As we sat drinking warm tea in a cafe tent, I noticed a couple of young, attractive girls sitting at a table next to us, also sheltering from the rain.
One of them was checking to see if her make-up had been smudged by using her reflective silver iphone cover as a mirror. As she pulled a tube of mascara from her bag, I overheard her say to her friend with terror-filled conviction “I never let anyone see me without make-up, not even my boyfriend.”
She seemed so afraid if people saw her true self, they would judge her to be flawed, so she covered it all up with a false sense of security made of pink powder and eyeliner to convey her projection of perfection.
It seemed to me what she was really saying was “I never let anyone see me vulnerable”.
I know this is true for me too. When I recently wrote about wanting to up my game to serve my tribe better, I still worried that by opening up and being vulnerable that I would put people off.
And it got me wondering; where else in life do we dim the luminosity of our inner truth because of the fear we will be judged, excluded or unloved?
Vulnerability can be crystallised into one core fear - the fear of not being good enough. So, we hide our true self through control.
We try to control what others will think of us by only presenting our “good side”. We try to control how others love us by showing them what we think they want to see. Or we try to control the future through obsessive preparation. (NB: I have done all of these things)
The truth is that we can never really be in control. In all areas of life, there is an element of uncertainty. If we reject the element of uncertainty, and try to control all the risks, dangers and flaws that we perceive in our world, we potentially miss out on all the wonderful, spontaneous surprises that uncertainty can offer.
Say you’re on an early morning stroll through the park when suddenly $50 tumbles across the ground in front of you. A friend calls unexpectedly and they’re in town for one night and want to catch up for dinner. You meet a friend of a friend at a party, really hit it off and go on a date. Did you plan any of this? No. Were they wonderful surprises? Yes.
When we accept that life has a level of uncertainty, and that sometimes unexpected things happen that are good, we transform our attitude from one of anxiety and fear, to one of wonder and curiosity.
Transform anxiety to wonder
I have a habit of “future tripping”. I often catch myself in a loop of anxiety-inducing “what ifs?” So I tried doing a 180 on my anxiety with this little exercise.
1. Replace each potential threat with a positive outcome
For example “What if no-one likes my presentation?” becomes “What if everyone likes my presentation?” Curiosity replaces anxiety, and it becomes much easier to access creativity to make a great presentation.
Or “What if that guy I like rejects me?” becomes “What if he says yes?” Resilience replaces fear and makes you feel grounded enough to ask out your crush.
Or most importantly, “What if I’m not good enough?” becomes “What if I am completely enough?” Wonder replaces shame and all of a sudden, the person that was never good enough to be loved becomes a person filled with beauty.
Your wondrous being is made of 50 trillion cells that are genetically wired for success, to keep you safe, whole, and thriving. How good is that?!
2. Feel the difference
Your whole nervous system that was once on stand-by just in case something terrible happened, is now rejoicing in the wonder of a positive future. Feel the difference this 180 on anxiety has created.
What does it feel like? A tide washing away the fear? Roots growing into the earth to keep you steady?
3. Embody it
Where does this feeling reside in your body? Which body part feels brighter, lighter or more obvious? Attach this feeling to that body part.
4. Label it
What one word sums up this feeling of wonder? By labelling your emotion, you can easily recall it, use it like a mantra and flood your system with the dopamine rush of wonder again.
So for me – this transformation from anxiety to wonder feels like a cool breeze, it resides in my heart, and it’s called “Groundedness”.
The next time I’m future tripping, I imagine a cool breeze flowing through my heart and a chant “Groundedness” over and over. Then I can move forward with a sense of wonder and calm.
Did this exercise work for you? What’s your emotion called and where is it embodied? Let me know in the comments below.
